BDSM Forum

sugar_n_spice · Posted: Tue Feb 09, 2010 4:06 pm Post subject: Conflicting desires

So in RL i am a strong confident assertive woman who always gets what she wants (well almost always). The idea of not being in control of everything terrifies me. So what's the problem i have no issues being in control its second nature.

My fantasies are where everything changes. I'm still me but i surrender all my carefully hoarded control my power. I willingly allow myself to become vulnerable exposed physically hurt.

At first these fantasies had little power over me they were faceless nameless but recently my partner has started to enter into them. I have confessed my desires to him in the past but he can not understand my desire he is a sweet gentle passive my confidant. And i don't mean to say he is submissive he isn't more the calm centre around which i rage. In the cold light of day it is absurd to see him in such desires but still he remains.

So how do i reconcile my desire to always be in control with my desire to surrender so utterly it scares me when the one person with whom i share all is unable to understand?

l8nightq · Posted: Fri Feb 12, 2010 5:26 pm Post subject:

Suger n Spice -

The solution to your problem is in your understanding of yourself.

First - There is no top who doesn't have bottom fantasies. By their very nature they must visualize and feel the bottom's nature to control it. That's the difference between a dominant and an asshole.
From reading your post you don't seem to be a top though, just someone who is an extreme control freak, and my guess is that it is because you present a fantasy all on your own.
Your post could have been read so many ways, so I could be way off, but based on how I perceived it you are a bottom who believes that if you don't control the vision, you won't be accepted.
Your fantasies about being dominated make you more afraid to loose control.
Your partner doesn't understand because you are focusing on the the outward effects, rather than the source.
I can't write enough to make a decent explanation for your partner. Study your own sexuality based on how others have described it and you will be better in making sense of it all to you and your partner. Once that is done, if you really trust your partner you can stage a scene with a script (as an exercise). Given your description of yourself, I doubt it would be that hard.
Also - be ready to accept the fact that your partner may not be able to relate completely. It doesn't always fit the way you want, but if you have the relationship you say you do, the scripts and scenes may help you get what you want and keep the love you have.
Just so you know - You are not alone in how you see yourself.

sugar_n_spice · Posted: Sat Feb 13, 2010 9:46 am Post subject:

Thank you your right i am a control freak.

I first read your reply about 10 mins before my partner got home yesterday but didn't have time to think about it then so i drove it from my mind. It wasn't until we were going to sleep my mind quieted enough to think about what you said.

I have been focusing externally rather then internally which i don't get. Normally i'm very self aware how can i control myself if i don't understand myself.

And so last night i began to look at myself in a new way. Which was a somewhat emotional revelation for me and i began to cry. I hate crying i hate the lack of control it means. He knew. He always knows when i cry even though i don't make a sound.

He asked me why i was crying was i upset? I answered no so he asked again what was wrong? So i babbled everything that was flying through me at the time and when i was done the confused WTF expression i expected to see wasn't there, the expression that had been every other time i broached the subject. Instead i saw nothing but love. He held me safely while i trembled and cried.

I still don't think he fully understands how can he when i don't. But he understands the emotions behind my desire, my need and for him that's enough. And so tonight after we get back from role play (and i mean D&D /Whitewolf kinda role play) we will begin planing. He is usually GM and so always planing so we can do that plan.

I hope that through the planing we will be able to figure out what it is i really want, need and what our limits will be, and then at some stage we can move onto acting on what we plan but while there's a plan i helped create i'm still in control. Maybe one day i will be ready for the complete surrender of control, power and will i fantasise about and terrifies so much or maybe i'll find a balance in my life that will allow me to be able to retain myself while surrendering.